Laptakan Phrase Book Volume 2

This section was contributed by GregBuisIsADick

The Sigeist - A poster who employs the use of a "sigbanner" or "sigcatchphrase". Those using sigbanners are also sometimes affectionately referred to as "band-width hogs". Some Sigeists avoid the wrath of the Culture Vultures by cleverly putting hot chicks in their sigbanner. Similarly, if a sigcatchphrase is particularly catchy, i.e. "Come for the conversation, stay for the Jesus-tits" a poster can avoid a slap on the wrist. Sigbanners that seem to promote anti pro-choice sentiments are not encouraged.

There are a few sub-categories of Sigeists:

The Sig-Heil - espouses fascist sentiments. Not advisable.

The Sig-mund Freud - espouses psycho-analysis. Psychos are welcome, analysis is not.

The Sig-fried and Roy - espouses being really, really, really gay. And promotes tacky Vegas-style trappings.

The Sig-gy - espouses newspaper cartoon family values.

Here is a total different category of poster:

The Website Pimp - This poster drags an inappropriate link (i.e. a Survivor "fan" site) into the Reality Sucks community and, in essence, whispers, "Hey, meester — wanna meet my seester?" This kind of poster should be vehemently culture vultured.

The Website Madam - This poster (male or female) thoughtfully provides the community with an "on-topic" link (i.e. hot lezzie action). He or she makes sure the girls are clean and have a good attitude. The Madam is a credit to any neighborhood.

The Flamer - This poster has a lot of pent up aggression that he or she needs to vent. And since doing it in real life could result in getting the crap kicked out of you, the flamer goes on-line for some safe cyber-fun. Flamer skill level varies from the low end of the scale (wherein a flamer post can raise a water blister like the one you get if you take a Pop Tart out of the toaster without letting it cool down first)all the way up to Master Flamer level (these flamers fire off "temperature at the core of the sun" posts). Then there are those posters who desperately want to be flamers, but can only manage to be…

The Lamer - this poster consistently post messages that make your eyes glaze over in boredom. The lamer may attempt to get involved in a flame war, but his or her only contribution will be a stream of incoherent, repetitive, unoriginal and charmless sludge. At his or her hottest, a lamer may throw a post that gets to snowball temperature, at the worst a lamer hits absolute zero on the Kelvin scale. A lamer is also a poster who takes "Survivor" seriously or who posts long, soporific messages on the importance of proper grammar.

The Napoleon - This type of poster persists on perceiving him or herself in a way that is unsubstantiated by any outside evidence. The most common "Napoleon" is a poster who declares him/herself the winner of a flame war - without any other bystanding poster giving an opinion. Sometimes posters will continue to declare themselves the victor even after other bystanders have awarded the battle to the Napoleon's opponent. In this instance, the Napoleon is upgraded to a full "Bonaparte" status.

The Imaginary Friend - This poster is a subset of the "Sybil" category, but a particularly sad one. He or she will register a seperate nic but then pretend that the two nics are boyfriend/girlfriend. At it's most pathetic, the Imaginary Friend poster will have long conversations with him/herself using two or more nics.

The Gangbang - A thread is said to be "gangbanged" if so many posters are adding to it at the same time that the thread takes on the verbal characteristics of a chatroom. Note this is somewhat different than the dreaded "Dead Zone". In a gangbanged thread, your reply to a particular poster is likely to be four or five posts removed, thus giving the thread a very disjointed "conversational" flow.

The Culture Vulture - This self-appointed guardian jealously protects the tenets of a board's culture by mercilessly ragging on any poster who violates them. In the case of the "Survivor Sucks" forum some CV's decree that posts should be funny and entirely lacking in the milk of human kindness. CV's are usually sexually frustrated and use boards to channel their rage. Which, I think we can all agree, is better than climbing a tower with a couple of semi-automatic weapons and several thousand round of ammunition.
(This is to amend somewhat SurviveThis's last post wherein she writes that culture vultures sometimes "pick fights". A true culture vulture never "picks a fight". A true CV merely responds to an infraction of the board rules and helpfully tries to show a Foreigner the error of his or her ways. Below are a couple of posters who pick fights.)

The Foreigner - This poster consistently violates a board's tenets as outlined by the CVs. Within the SS Forum context, foreigners include, "The Jolly Fat Man", "The Sweet Young Thing" and "The Kindly Matron". Note that in a different forum like I.H.eart.Survivor, these posters would be CVs, not foreigners.

The Jolly Fat Man - This back-slapping, "hail thee and well met" fellow fills his posts with bonhomie and avuncular humor. This drives the CVs bugfuck. When flamed, the JFM will respond first with puzzlement, then a half-hearted attempt to flame back, quickly followed by an expression of hurt feelings and an offer to be friends. The JFM is usually quite resilient in the face of CV bashing, much like the Weeble that Wobbles but doesn't fall down. Eventually, a CV grows weary of whaling on such a tireless punching bag and grudgingly recognizes his right to exist.

The Sweet Young Thing - The most heart-breaking of all posters when she wanders into the wrong sandbox. The SYT thinks emoticons are "keen" and is very anxious to make friends. Her vulnerability attracts a CV like blood in the water does a shark. However, she has a powerful weapon in her arsenal: huge sad doe-eyes that brim with tears and an upperlip that trembles winsomely when attacked. Even the most stony-hearted CV usually ends up feeling like a complete shithead after tangling with a SYT. Despite their habitual meekness, SYTs are capable of lashing out at particularly obnoxious CVs or at Jerri the Bitch.

The Kindly Matron - This stout and even-tempered lady makes posters watch their language, brush their teeth before bed and eat three squares a day. When faced with depravity, the KM will respond with a vaguely guilt-inducing rebuke. CVs are often reluctant to mess with KMs because, surprisingly, CVs often have pretty good relationships with their own mommies and don't like slagging anyone who reminds them of the saintly woman who brought them into the world.

The Board Slut - Can be male or female, but in either case is easier to spread than margarine left out in the hot Texas sun. If male, the mere hint of the phrase, "I'm 17 going on 18" will be enough to rouse the trouser snake underneath his silk kimono. If female, a skilfully parsed sentence will have her sugar walls frothing with that special woman-dew in no time. There are two sub-categories of Board Sluts: "The Monogamous Nympho" and "The Flirt". The MN will spread for only one person. If female, she will be attracted to beta posters, likely as a result of her own unresolved latent lesbianism. If male, he will likely be attracted to the "Tedious Bitchenheimer" type (to be described below). The Flirt is by far the most annoying of the Board Sluts. He or she honestly believes that "the mind" is the most important sex organ; believes that "less" is "more"; and prefers erotica over how God intended porn to be: hot and nasty. The Flirt is nauseatingly coy and will find sickening euphemisms to replace perfectly good words like "cock" and "pussy". But no matter what stripe of Board Slut, they all tend to make good Diarists.

The Tedious Bitchenheimer - can be male or female. Writes long boring posts whining about how "back in the day" this forum was populated by Wildean geniuses whose wit and nimble thought processes make the current crop of posters look like 4th rate Bob Saget rejects. No one talks about the show, they waste time on pointless flames, blah-blah-blah. Tedious Bitchenheimers do not react well to Culture Vultures telling them to "shut the fuck up, already". Fortunatley, many TBs turn into:

Goodbye Cruel Worlders - These poor lost souls have become despondent over the complete and utter indifference that their presence is greeted with on the board. They have watched their "null" threads drop with dizzying speed into the depths of the Archive bowels. They have had answered for them the existential query, "What if you wrote a post… and nobody cared?" Or, they are Tedious Bitchenheimers fed up with the the fact that no one listens to the gripes. So what do they do? Fade away quietly and with a little dignity to perhaps search for more congenial climes? No fucking way. They insist on writing suicide notes to the board, no doubt relishing the remorse the board population will feel upon reading those dread words, "And I won't be back!" Bitter experience has shown that GCWs, after a decent interval — 10 minutes let's say — almost always come back as the accursed…

The Failed Suicide - Sometimes he or she limps back under his or her old nic, showing off the freshly bandaged wrists or newly pumped stomach. Others, displaying a bit more class have the common decency to register a new nic… thus beginning the cycle of futility once more.

The Toxic Avenger - a particularly virulent strain of Culture Vulture. He is the kind of guy who at a party can make people in the room burst into explosive laughter or can bring conversation to a screeching halt while he twirls the booze in his glass and goes, "heh-heh-heh". Tends to have an excellent knowledge of computer lore. Catchphrase: "Ping! You've Got Mail."

The Hero - the rarest of all posters. Can be an alpha male or a Xena-fied female. Signs that you might be a Hero: other posters write messages that say, "You are my hero". Gets Ambered constantly (The Amberer to be explained below). A Hero is usually the focus of sharply divided opinion: you either loathe the Hero with a Herculean intensity or admire the Hero with Amberific devotion. There is no middle ground. But the board is a fickle mistress… today's Hero can easily become tomorrow's…

The Pariah — This poster is the lucky recipient of universal opprobrium. There are any number of ways to become a Pariah: use only capital letters in your posts, display what appears to be anti pro-choice messages in your sig banner, suggest that Mike's burnt hands was a serious accident that should not be made fun of, or revert to complete infantilism by mindlessly bumping null threads. In any event, Pariahs at some point in their careers normally have to take a trip out to the woodshed with 'Nilla for some frontier buttock justice, Texas-style.

The Amberer — this type of poster can be best described by referring to that Warner Bros. cartoon where a big dog and a little dog are walking down a sidewalk. The big dog struts in a slow deliberate manner while the little dog jumps all over the place yelping, "We's pals, huh, Georgie? We's pals." Eventually the big dog slaps the little dog, and says, "Yeeh, shaddup."

The Admin - This "poster" comes in two basic types: the Benevolent Despot and the Scum-Sucking Nazi Overlord. The BD uses his or her power judiciously. He or she makes sure the bumperfucks and the spammers can't play in the sandbox, but otherwise keeps the thunderbolts stored safely in the quiver. The truly enlightened BD will keep a registered user nic and will enhance the board with his or her hilarious posts.

The Scum-Sucking Nazi Overlord is an erectile dysfunctional 98 pound weakling whose real life is so barren of sexual contact, respect of peers or positive reinforcement of any kind that he or she can only experience a frission of excitement through arbitrarily banning/editing posters far more talented than him or herself. Being the truest of cowards, the SS Nazi Overlord will let pathetic underlings take the rap for his or her own cow-like stupidity. Naturally, a SS Nazi Overlord is far too 'tarded to realize that his or her jellyfish attempts at exerting control are destined to lead to the…

Exodus - Posters who encounter a SS Nazi Overlord do what any sensible people do when faced with a dickless wonder: they leave. So all the hot chicks with their flat little tummies and perky breasts, all the buff studs with their rippling six packs and bulging biceps, all the talented ones; the funny, the scaberous, the imaginative, the adroit, the quick-witted: they all leave. Left behind are the lame, the boring, the banal, the clueless, the stinky. A SS Nazi Overlord's board becomes a wasteland, a patch of salted earth where no fun is ever had again.

The Power Craver - is a poster who craves the juiciest perk in an Admin's bag of tricks: the ability to EDIT FUCK registered users. An admin can go in and edit a poster's message — AND THERE IS FUCK ALL A POSTER CAN DO ABOUT IT! MWA-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH!!!! You can smite your enemies at will! Tired of those two monogamus nymphos befouling the board with their limp attempts at pretentious flirting? No problem - EDIT FUCK their lame asses! Tired of that annoying yippy little Chihuahua poster dry humping all your messages? No problem - EDIT FUCK the little turd. Sorry, I have to catch my breath here, I'm getting a little excited.

The Solitaire - This poster, full of energy, logs onto the board and instantly responds to about eight different threads. He or she sits back and relaxes, waiting for the inevitable responses and enjoying the anticipation of "talking" to other posters. The eight threads sit at the top of the page for five minutes… oops, forgot to the "refresh" button! The eight threads are still there. Mmm, might as well go torture the cat. Come back fifteen minutes later… hit the refresh button… AND!!! The eight threads are still on top… At around this time the poster realizes, finally and utterly, that he or she is alone… oh so very alone.

Scout Master - this middle-aged male poster scours the boards looking for boy posters.

Candle Burning - This refers to the practise of starting up a thread in the hopes that it will attract a Goodbye Cruel Worlder into becoming a Failed Suicide. Normally, this entails posting a message about how much the GCW is missed and how much the poster hopes they will come back.

Nerdfelching - A highly odious board practise in which a small group of like-minded posters follow each other around through thread after thread posting repetitive, non-creative messages designed to boost each others fragile egos. Typically, nerdfelchers do not receive sufficient affirmation in the "real world" and seek to gain it in virtual form on a message board.

Here are some of the nerdfelchers mating calls:

::hugs::

::smoochie-boochies::

:lol :lol :lol :lol

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